Monday, June 23, 2014

Stuff

I know "stuff" does not make a person.  I realize that what you own or have owned is not what inherently makes you YOU.   But as a "stuff" person I know how I treasure my things.  How I surround myself with things I like to look at, with things that have meaning to me in a personal way.  I know not everyone shares that love.  The "simplify" trend across blog land and the Internet has been huge.  But my "stuff" brings me joy and peace so I do not intend to simplify that out of my world.

Today, I was having lunch with the Irishman on the front porch and was audience to a house across the street being prepped to sell.  When we moved to our home all those years ago we knew the lady who lived there.  Her name was Betty and she was saucy and always on the go.  Many years ago she moved to Florida with her son and we sadly had no further contact with her.  Her house has stayed unoccupied all those years.  Well sadly we have heard neighborhood word that she has passed on.  And now there is an ongoing buzz across the road of cleaning out her "stuff".  Today, this made me so very sad.  So sad to think that she has been reduced to her memories and the things she held onto and surrounded herself with.  That mean nothing to those doing the "cleaning".  It has been dumpstered and now sits on the curb in boxes and piles.  During our lunch many cars stopped by picking through her memories and carting them off.  Which I guess is good that they go on with other people but just really made my heart hurt to watch them dig through all her things without ever knowing who she was and what they meant to her.  And seeing them dig through to cart them off for profit not joy and love.  The Irishman called them vultures which I think is apt. 

So I came inside to my couch and my thoughts and my words.  Trying to feel better about it.  Trying to remind myself it is in fact only  stuff.  But it was HER stuff.(This is also why Estate sales are hard for me)  There was a person attached to it all who is no longer.  And for that I am sad.  So I send out a little peace into the world to all the Bettys who brought me smiles and have moved on.  Take time to touch base with your own Bettys!

Sunday, May 18, 2014

Joy

A long while ago, my naturopath said I needed to do things that bring me joy.  This weekend was full of just those things.

I took an asparagus class. 
I found a local restaurant doing food with passion and honoring food.
I went to the Farmer's Market and got fresh roasted coffee, bacon and brats, asparagus, radishes and lettuce.
I bought plants.
I slept.
I was gifted wonderful handmade things by these awesome people I live with.
I got to ride my bike.
I planted things.
I baked and cooked.
I got to jump rope.
I got to sit on my front porch. 
I got to be in my space.

When I was riding my bike I felt like all I could do was smile like a big goof.  It felt sooooo very good!  It has been a while since my body has been able to cope with all this activity and I am grateful for today.  Refreshing my mind, body, and spirit! 

Hoping you all did things that brought you joy this weekend if not please make time to do so this week!  You are important too!

Thursday, May 15, 2014

Not Ready

I have been intending to be in this space for so very long.  I need words.  I thrive when there is time for words.  But life has kept me just hanging on doing one day at a time.  Just getting through trying to be the best Mama, wife, friend, co-worker and person I can be.  Sometimes I fail miserably at all the above.  Sometimes like anyone else I have moments in which I feel I shine. 

However what gets me in this space is a need for release of all that is in my head and heart.  Do you ever have something you know is coming and is inevitable but you just are in no way ready nor will you ever be?  But that thing will come.  It will happen no matter how hard you pray, no matter how hard you try to laugh and smile, how hard you try to focus on something other.  It is there.  It is with you for the ride. 

Growing up and getting older is hard.  Not for what you might assume, appearances, wrinkles, aches and pains.  But this being a big girl thing is hard in that those who have been so important to you through all those growing pains start to come to the end of their journeys.  Their time is ending and you (hopefully) will continue on (or try to). 

That is happening for me right now.  I try not to think or feel because there are a wall of tears just waiting there.  And I fear once they start they may never end.  But my life goes on around me and I try to be ok.  I try for my kids, my husband, my friends, my co-workers to keep moving forward with a decent (no way is it going to be good right now) attitude.  But behind it all is the stark, painful fact that someone who is such a part of me is dying.  She is checking off her list and getting ready and while I do not wish her pain and suffering I will never ever be ready for her to go. 

I was gifted with a weekend with her last week.  In which I got to tell her all the things I wanted her to know.  I got to thank her and tell her how very important she has been in making me who I am today.  I got to hold her, and take care of her, and laugh with her, and listen to her as she got things off her chest and cried. 

I love this woman.  I will always love this woman.  I am now afraid for my phone to ring.  I am now afraid for the next step.  This isn't my journey but hers.  I want her to have peace and light in her passing.  I want her to breathe and be pain free.  But oh how very much I wish for more time. 

So please make the time.  Find time to be with those that are important to you.  Life is always busy, always full but don't regret that you didn't make it happen.  Bridge gaps of distance and time and say the words and make sure those you love know you love them now not when it is too late!!!

Tuesday, April 30, 2013

Manners...

    My Mom and Dad always told my brother and I that you do not talk about religion or politics in polite company.  Of course being a kid, I was like "uh-ok" wondering why on earth you would ever want to talk about those things with anyone any way.  I mean there was music and boys and clothes to discuss why would I want to talk about dry and boring religion and politics??

    What happened to smart people like my parents?  What happened to that value of relationships that you would leave hot topics alone?  And more to the point why is this the basis of ending a relationship when you are twelve??

     The past few weeks my lovely twelve year old has had the topic of religion, particularly hers, hit her hard in her core.  She was approached by two "friends" of her little boyfriend and told that he was breaking up with her because she was an "atheist and the Bible prohibited them from being together."  This passed and the little boyfriend defended her then, yet today he broke up with my girl.  This I expected.  They are 12.  It is a reality not a shock.  However, he told her he couldn't be with her because of her religion that it wasn't right what she believed. 

     I am really and truly upset by this.  More so than my old soul of a child, who wisely said she didn't want to be with anyone ever that would hurt her like that and that they just weren't worth it.  ( I still do not have this clarity she has.)  First, I do not tolerate ignorance well.  And these boys are spewing things they have heard elsewhere and have no idea of what they speak.  My child is not an atheist.  She is a seeker.  She is finding her way on her OWN spiritual path.  Not one that her Dad or I have chosen for her.  She is talked to and her questions answered honestly.  She is given opportunities to read and experience the world.  She is taught morals, she is taught honesty, she is taught to treat others as she would like to be treated.  She is a truly upstanding human.  I to my core believe the world could use many more people like this young lady who is kind and giving and nurturing.  This girl who stands up for others and takes on the world.  Secondly, she does believe.  The who, to me does not matter.  The fact she has a connection to something bigger than herself and finds comfort in that is enough for me.  That she feels drawn to her insides and what is in there and that she expresses those thoughts and emotions with respect for others is hugely important to me as her mother.  Thirdly, it is absolutely no other students business what her religion is.  It has absolutely nothing to do with them.  Religion is so very personal how on earth can any of us say that the way you believe is wrong as long as that way is moral and honorable and harms no one else in the process???  Religion helps us find our way in this big, crazy world.  It gives comfort for the all those things that do not make sense.  It cannot be one size fits all as none of us are the same. 

    In my life, I am guilty of judging others, I believe it is a human condition, but I am working on it.  I accept that other people might do and experience their world differently than I do, and overall I think that is a good thing, but as a type A I would love everyone to be me and agree with me!!  However I am open to differences.  I am open to those in this world who believe differently than I do.  And I TEACH my children to never isolate someone based on those differences.  So it really hurts me that in allowing her to grow into who she needs to be spiritually I have set her up to be out casted and attacked, by (this is me judging right now) those very people whose religion professes they should do none of these things.  I have issue with selective practice.  If you are going to talk the talk to someone I believe you should be walking the walk to use a cliche.  If you are truly confident in your religion shouldn't you want to lift us up with it not shame us with it?? 

    When I talked to my sage child this evening, I said maybe in the future you don't tell them everything maybe you just agree so that you aren't a target...and she says "But that is a lie.  I want people who accept me for who I really am."  Out of the mouths of babes there is a truth.  And I encourage you all to take the time to step back and begin to accept people.  To stop taking what works for you and broad brushing the rest of us.  For it is you who will lose out in the end by shutting out beautiful souls like my daughter, in her I see incredible things for the world.  In her honesty and her maturity.  I am holding out hope that one day someone really just amazing will see that in her and honor her for it as their partner. 

Sunday, April 21, 2013

Heart stirred...

There is something about music, specifically live music, that does something to my very soul.  I know that sounds extreme and a little corny but I do truly mean it.  I have such a visceral response to music played live. It rings to my core and makes me feel so many different things.  The biggest is gratefulness that there are people who feel, and write, and play this music that touches something inside me.  These people who are not superstars but still keep putting themselves out there for those of us seeking and wishing we had the the voice.  These people who give us voice. 

I drag my poor Irishman to so many events just to support these voices these talents these wonderful folks who do something I soooo cannot do.  To show them their voices have importance.  I am thankful there are musicians and that there are people who believe they have a place and a value.  And that my little town actually draws talent and supports those who are on their journey to finding their voice.  I am always in awe the talent that lurks at the end of my little street.  The opportunities to discover voices and songs.  To experience the package of the words, oh how I have always been a sucker for good words, and a tune. 

I have always had music in my background growing up.  My parents took us as kids to all kinds of live events.  And also growing up Irish there is a tie to that sound to that art.  There is an appreciation for songwriters and performers.  How many afterhours events I was at where the shushing began early to show respect to the talent.  You were NOT allowed to speak or distract from the performer who was giving of themselves in front of you.  You were expected to give complete respect to the bravery and the gift.  There is sooooo much of that lost here in America.  So much lost from that.  So little respect paid to people who give from their being to you.  Whether it is your style or your genre there is a respect for that gift for that voice.  To be in a place that allows for that expression and encourages it.  To be an audience for something that really is bigger than what it seems.  Music is a journey.  A path through all that you experience during this human condition.  It is there in the pain, the memory, the love, the lows, the highs, the silliness all that are this one life you live and share.  To have that voice that direct connection to the spirit and to share that voice with others is beyond a gift. 

I am ever, ever grateful that there are folks working to show us this path and lead us on this journey.  Folks who work soooooo very hard to pull it together and fund this craft.  And folks who make it easy for everyday folks like me to soar.  Thank you musicians.  Your importance in this world is often overlooked but it is my one woman quest to drum up support for your efforts and your voice.

Sunday, April 14, 2013

Loss

Loss...the world around me this week has been so full of loss that it has been hard to breathe.   None of this loss has been mine or my family's gratefully.  Yet the losses have been large and heartwrenching.

The kinds of loss that make you question your core and who you are and who you surround yourself with.  Is it really important?  Will it even matter after you are gone?  What can I change now while I have time?  What can I do differently??  How can I help these people in their grief?  Is there anything at all that my small voice can do to help them heal and help them find peace? 

How do these families move on in the world and still breathe and still find joy?  How do they ever allow themselves to feel again??  Thankfully there has been time with my little family.  Time to snuggle and giggle, although I have felt guilty doing so in the face of what all is going on for others.  I have had my ladies close to me and held them and talked to them.  And soaked up all that is good in our home. 

I have lit candles.  I have prayed.  I have sent healing over and over and over hoping to impact some small relief on all those hurting hearts.  And I have given thanks that we are all together in our space surrounding ourselves in us.   So please for me, on this day, take time to breathe in your good.  Be grateful for your now. 

Tuesday, March 12, 2013

Looking for the positive...



As our government battles itself over money that is imaginary and already spent, there are many people in many jobs hoping to survive.  I and my Air Traffic Control counterparts being some of those people. 

Yesterday, I received my official furlough notice.  This was to tell me that between April and September of this year I will be off and therefore not paid for a total of eleven days.  I will say now that I am grateful that I will continue to have employment and will continue to collect some of my paycheck.  Yet I do not know too many people who enter into such a time without some worry.  What shouldn't I do right now?  What should I cancel?  We also have to contend with, any days off we take during this period will be unpaid even if they are our guranteed by contract vacation time.  This is hard.  To know I will have to cancel that time.  To say no to some escape. 

But I am trying to spin this in my head, I am looking at it as some extra time in my home with my family.  My healthy family... my family that bring me laughter... my family that bring joy bubbling up inside me... my home that needs my love... my home that needs my time... I am looking at this time as a potential gift for more of the things I put aside and put off.  I am guessing that though the money will be missed now and in my retirement, that the time gained will be what I need that I just hadn't seen how much.

I am sending juju to the warring factions of our government that they make peace with one another and keep all of us working and productive and that they have this sorted so that this does not grow into something bigger.  The impacts could be huge for us all.  So please all learn to play nice and stop being so headstrong neither of you are 100% right and in between there is a common truth.